After 13 years of marriage, Bethany Meola admits she and her husband can get caught up in the chaos of midlife that comes with juggling a career and raising three children.
That’s why the six-second kiss felt so good.
The Six-Second Kiss, a daily intimacy exercise pioneered by couples therapists and clinical psychologists John and Julie Gottman, is exactly what it sounds like: taking a few minutes out of each day to physically connect with your partner.
“It’s a funny thing to put on your to-do list”said Meola, who first learned about the Gottmans’ work while pursuing a master’s degree in theology focused on marriage and family.
Even when it seemed a little silly, it made a difference.
“It’s long enough for you to ground yourself and say, ‘Here’s this other person that I love and have committed to,’ and you rest in their presence in a renewed way,” said Meola, co-founder of the nonprofit Life-Giving Wounds in Bowie, Maryland, which aims to help adult children of divorced or separated couples.
Why does six seconds matter?
Six seconds is not an arbitrary number, John Gottman said during a joint video interview with his wife and collaborator. The couple married in 1987 and co-founded the Gottman Institute, which trains couples therapists.
After studying more than 3,000 couples over 30 years, the Gottmans found that six seconds of intentional intimacy is enough to trigger the release of oxytocin. It’s the same hormone widely believed to be responsible for the bond between a baby and its mother; the Gottmans say it generates trust in a relationship by calming the fear center of the brain.
Gottman cited research by neuroeconomist Paul Zak suggesting that a 20-second hug does the same.
“It happens when mammals hug each other,” said Gottman, author of “The Seven Principles for a Working Marriage” and other books. “The 20-second hug or the six-second kiss are really different feelings. It feels like you’ve come home.”
What kind of couple does this work for?
Julie Gottman said that a long kiss works best for women. couples who are engaged with each other and have developed a level of trust. Couples who are in trouble and are working through issues in therapy may not be ready for this.
“We certainly wouldn’t give that information to a very distressed couple before significant changes have occurred,” he said. “Because it won’t seem authentic if there’s still a lot of mistrust.”
How to get started
Couples should decide to take time out of their day to prioritize their relationship. One partner could start the conversation by saying that they think exercise could deepen their bond, and why not try it?
The best thing to do is to create a ritual. Set aside the same time every day, for example, when everyone is about to leave for work or school or just before bed.
Creating a ritual of connection during these times of transition avoids “the managerial relationship, where all a couple does together is add tasks to their long list,” said John Gottman. “We want to really nurture the romance.”
Rituals also foster a shared sense of purpose, Julie Gottman said. Just be sure to savor it, rather than turning it into something you’re supposed to do.
And to the couples who say they can’t find the time? He didn’t mince his words.
“You really don’t have six seconds?” he said, laughing. “You know, we’re not talking about six hours, we’re talking about six seconds. Tell me more about that blockage. Is there anything else?”
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